What do the holidays mean to graduate students? Time to take a well-deserved break from the lab. Time to step back from the bench and take a hard look at their project. Oh, and time to have the same, depressing conversation with family and friends who don’t really understand the process of grad school but feign interest once a year.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my project and I love talking about it. But after years of trying, I have come to realize that a holiday party is not the right time. In fact, what I’ve found is that most party small talk is like having a conversation with Charlie Brown’s teacher – I don’t have to actually listen to them to know what they’re saying.
In fact, so consistent are these conversations that I created a script I use at holiday parties to keep conversations short and sweet without getting into the actual science. This way, I look like I’m having a good time, they don’t have to act interested in research they don’t care about and my mind is free to think about how I’m going to buy Christmas presents on a grad student’s salary…
Feel free to try it out at your next party.
ME: Hi! Merry Christmas, great to see you again! How have you been?
THEM: [answer]
ME: That’s great to hear.
THEM: [question]
ME: Things are going well!
THEM: [question]
ME: For a few days – my boss was kind enough to unchain me from lab for the week.
THEM: [question]
ME: I’m in my fifth year now.
THEM: [question]
ME: Well, med school is four years, but I’m in graduate school and unfortunately there’s no limit.
THEM: [question]
ME: I agree- it’s starting to feel like Groundhog Day- the days are all blending together now. (Take a big gulp of my drink…)
THEM: [question]
ME: No, I finished most of my classes after the first year so now it’s just full-time research.
THEM: [question]
ME: That’s the million dollar question- hopefully in the next year or so. (Take a bigger gulp of my drink…)
THEM: [question]
ME: Although I’m not completely sure, I’ll most likely try to find a postdoctoral position.
THEM: [question]
ME: It basically means I’ll be working in someone’s lab doing full-time research for half-time pay. (laugh to avoid tearing up)
THEM: [question]
ME: That’s right, from there I could apply to become a professor or I could continue research in a company somewhere.
THEM: [statement]
ME: Yeah, it would be great but the job market is pretty competitive these days so if you see me bagging your groceries next time you’re at the store, don’t be surprised.
THEM: [statement]
ME: Thanks, I’ll definitely need it!
THEM: [statement]
ME: Great to see you too and happy holidays! (grab another drink and jot down the new idea for an experiment I just came up with)
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The Gloved Avenger is a full-time graduate student and part-time superhero looking to right the injustices facing fellow scientists today. The Gloved Avenger writes under the cover of a nom de plume until the kinks are worked out of the invisibility cloak.
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Check out The Gloved Avenger’s previous rant:
Thanks for Making it to Our Meeting. Oh Wait, You Didn’t.
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Here I sit, 5:48pm on a Tuesday. It’s exactly three hours and 48 minutes after I was supposed to have the weekly one-on-one meeting with my boss. What have I been doing for the last four hours? Let’s review.
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My Schedule:
1:00pm. Work-up the reaction I set up this morning.
1:25pm. Knowing our meeting is at 2pm, I hold off on purifying the reaction until after our meeting. I could probably get it done by 2:15, but since you spent 10 minutes in group meeting lecturing us on the importance of showing up on time, I will wait.
1:30pm. Start preparing for our meeting- organize data from the last week, print key figures and make an outline for what I want to talk about.
1:55pm. Walk by PI’s office and notice the lights are on but they’re not around- probably just went to the restroom before our meeting.
2:00pm. Stop by the office again. Automatic lights are now off, means they’ve been gone for over 30 minutes. Maybe at a seminar, probably will be back soon.
2:05pm. Pop my head in, lights still off.
2:10pm. Lights still off. I check my email to see if I missed a note that they needed to reschedule.
2:15pm. Lights off in office. Ask around lab if anyone knows where the boss is. Nobody has a clue.
2:20pm. Lights off in office.
2:30pm. Lights off in office. I’m accomplishing nothing.
2:35pm. Lights off in office.
2:40pm. Lights off in office. My blood pressure is rising. Starting the meeting anytime from here on means my column gets pushed back at least an hour, which means I’m now staying an hour later on an already long day.
2:45pm. Light’s on! Finally, let’s get this thing started. I go back to my desk to grab my notebook.
2:46pm. Realize it was the assistant who tripped the automatic lights. Boss still gone. Blood pressure still rising.
3:00pm. Despite the group meeting scolding on the importance of meetings, I decide to set up my column and move forward with the day.
3:10pm. Boss comes by my desk and asks “We’re meeting today, right?” in an irritated voice.
3:10pm. I resist the urge to go ballistic – I’m loading a precious sample onto my column.
3:10pm. I look over and notice the boss has a new hairdo. A hairdo that wasn’t there today at noon.
3:10pm. Blood pressure frighteningly high. Can’t see straight. Shaking uncontrollably.
3:25pm. Boss returns to my hood, “We’re meeting today, right?” I reply, “I’ll stop by your office when I’m done running this column, probably 20 minutes if that works for you?” “OK, see you in 20 minutes.”
3:45pm. Grab my notebook and head to boss’ office. They’re in a meeting with another lab member.
3:50pm. Still meeting.
3:55pm. Still meeting.
3:58pm. See the lab member walk back into lab. Grab my notebook and head to the boss’ office before they come back to my desk.
4:00pm. Boss is meeting with someone I don’t recognize. I find out from the assistant that it’s an old colleague who was here giving a seminar in a different department. The meeting has been on the boss’ calendar for a couple of weeks. “Is my meeting on the calendar?” I ask. “Has been for two years.”
4:05pm. Prepare to setup my next reaction.
4:25pm. Boss comes by my hood and sees me preparing to run a reaction, “I thought we were going to meet after your column.” Head dangerously close to exploding.
4:30pm. Stop by office with notebook. Lights on, boss not there. I take a seat in the office and wait.
4:32pm. I notice a shopping bag in the corner. Hmm, that wasn’t there this morning.
4:40pm. Boss returns and looks irritated, like I’ve been avoiding them.
5:30pm. Meeting ends. Predictably, there is close to no value added by the boss other than telling me this project has to move faster.
5:48pm. It’s almost 6pm and I don’t want to be here until midnight, so hold off on setting up my reaction. Had there been no meeting today, I would have run and worked-up another reaction.
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I’m no human relations expert, but basic courtesy states that if there’s a meeting on your calendar, make it. If you can’t make it, cancel it in advance and let the other parties know. Simply not showing is not canceling the meeting.
If you miss a meeting, DON’T SHOW UP WITH A NEW HAIRDO AND A SHOPPING BAG! At that point, you might as well take a dump in my hood. It shows you value me and my time less than a haircut. It’s personal.
And hey, a little self-awareness would be nice. If your lab members are showing up three hours and 48 minutes “late” to a meeting, ask yourself why. Maybe you could check your calendar to see who was really the late one before chewing out the lab.
Alas, you won’t read this, and the cycle will continue. So I’ll just count on wasting an entire afternoon every week. I’ll just “make it up” on Sunday, because I’m just a grad student, which apparently means I’ve got nothing better to do…
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The Gloved Avenger is a full-time graduate student and part-time superhero looking to right the injustices facing fellow scientists today. The Gloved Avenger writes under the cover of a nom de plume until the kinks are worked out of the invisibility cloak.
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